Where we're going
by slexies
Summary: How can you forgive someone who broke your heart?


**A/N: Oh God, it has been a while since I've posted a story. I really hope you guys still love me because I have a brand new Two-Shot for you. I wrote this right after Thursday's episode, and it's how I think an Eclare confrontation should go. I must warn you that I'm still an Eclare shipper and that this is not going to be all about Clare hating Eli or her beating the shit out of him like an independent woman. I'm trying to make this as realistic as I can by also drawing from some personal experience. This may break your heart or make your day better depending on how you look at it. Enjoy!**

Do you ever have those days where everything feels like a dream? That weird feeling you get when your subconscious is trying to trick you into thinking that reality is not present, that everything around you has slowed down, and that you're losing control of all your senses? I have, and there are thousands of labels out there for this particular state of mind, but I like to call it "The Lockdown Stage". Your body is designed to protect you from any sort of pain, which is why you have reflexes and remodeling abilities. The lockdown stage is design to numb your emotions in a weak attempt to save your body from future harm. You're mind knows something's wrong. You're entire body knows it's wrong. The only person that fails to understand why everything is happening is well, you. I've been like this for a few hours now, stabbing my oatmeal with a spoon over and over as if it would give me the answers to all my problems. Although there's not much to think about when you find out that your boyfriend screwed some college girl a couple of weeks ago while you were worrying about your chemo brain and how it's going to affect your acceptance into Columbia.

_"New school, new people, it was so hard dealing without you"_

_ "So this is my fault?!"_

I've always been someone who is defined by logic, ever since I was younger I wouldn't do anything unless it had some sort of logic and reasoning behind it. And then everything changed when Eli Goldsworthy came into my life. He made me take risks, he made my life obnoxious, unpredictable and opposite from what I was accustomed to. But now, I found myself looking back at my old self, trying to figure out how and when things got so messed up and how I ended up where I was now. Even after repeating his words over and over inside my head I still couldn't wrap my mind around the whole situation, his reasoning made no sense making my brain ache in confusion. The last time I saw him I kicked him out of the house, and looking back at it, I regret my decision. I should've slapped him, I should have thrown something at him and force him to tell me how he could do such a thing after everything we went through. I hate him, and I hate myself for lying.

There was a knock on my door and a small part of me wished that it was Eli carrying a million roses begging for my forgiveness. Buy the moment the door opened I was greeted by an unexpected face. Alli walked into the living room carrying a bunch on books in her hands and a smile that told me she had been with Leo moments earlier.

"I came here to return the SAT prep books you let me borrow" she said as she analyzed me from head to toe "Don't take this the wrong way but you look like you've had better days. What's up?" her smile was immediately wiped off her face and I felt disgusted with myself.

I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted her to hug me and cry on her shoulder more than anything in the world, I wanted her to comfort me and to tell me a how she was going to plot Elis murder and make it look like an accident. But I kept my mouth shut. I looked at her my eyes saying what my mouth couldn't and she understood that I was upset over a certain green eyed boy. She would hate him I'm sure of it, if she found out what Eli had done she would never forgive him. I still had no idea what I was going to do about the whole Eli situation and I knew that having my best friend hating his guts would not help with my decision making. "Eli and I….." I started not wanting to give too much away "things between us took an unsuspected turn and I'm not sure how to handle it" I said my voice breaking with every syllable.

"Well whatever happened with you two, I'm sure that you guys will work it out. You always do"

"I don't think it's going to be that simple"

She looked at me with understanding eyes and took a seat next to me at the table "We'll you're either breaking up with him, or you're not. And whatever choice you make know that I'll be there by your side eating ice cream and watching Dirty Dancing" she placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me the kindest of smiles. I placed my hands on top of her and glanced at her in a way that would let her know that I was grateful

Before I could respond there was another knock on my door, and suddenly everything went back to hell again. Alli looked between the door and me and I only shook my head slowly.

"Clare I know you're in there, please open the door" he begged

"This is my cue to go" Alli said getting up and walking towards the door "Call me when it's all over" she looked over at me as if asking if I was going to be okay without her company, once I nodded she sighed in relief "It's going to be okay" she mouthed and with those words she left my home without saying goodbye to Eli on the way.

That's when he walked in. His eyes were red and his hair was a mess, there were bags under his eyes informing me that he hadn't slept the night before. He stood there just staring at me as if he were waiting for me to kick him out yet again. Once he saw that I wasn't going to move he walked towards the table and cautiously sat on the chair in front of me. He intertwined his hands and placed them on the table, he was shaking and there was nothing but regret in his eyes.

The silence was eating us both alive until he decided to break it "I practiced all night everything that I wanted to tell you. I played so many different scenarios in my head getting ready to face you today, but I just can't think of the right words to say" he whispered not meeting my gaze, I continued to play with the oatmeal in front of me wishing that I was anywhere but here.

"I'm so sorry" he said, the tears threatening to fall. I looked at him and all I could see was her hands all over his body

"What I did was stupid"

Her hands tugging on his hair

"I was so miserable, I wasn't thinking straight"

Eli moaning her name

"If I could go back in time I would take it all back"

Her lips kissing his skin

"I love you"

We both stood there in silence as he looked at me with his apologetic eyes. His eyes met mine and I saw nothing. I grabbed the bowl in front of me with both hands and threw the breakfast mixture at him filling his face with the meal I was sure I wasn't going to be able to finish anyway. It all happened so fast but it felt so damn good. He raised his hands and looked at me as if he couldn't believe what I had done. I wasn't mad anymore, I was furious. The guy that I had devoted my life to, the one whom I gave everything I had, had betrayed me in the same way everyone other man in my life did. I looked at him as he tried to clean his face with nothing but anger, frustration, and vengeance. He got up and walked towards the kitchen to clean his face and removed his now stained hoodie.

"Was she good?" I asked

"What?"

"I want to know if the shag you had was good enough for you to ruin our relationship"

He placed the paper towels on the counter and gave me a terrified expression "Clare, please" his voice pained "We need to talk this through, it was one mistake, one time I -"

"What did she feel like? What did she taste like? Did you scream her name?"

"Clare, don't do this" he begged

"You said you wanted to talk this through, then let's talk it through damn it!" I yelled "What did she smell like? What noises did she make? Did you do it on your bed or on hers? Answer me damn it!"

He looked at me without saying a word, he looked paralyzed and I yelled once more. I yelled and yelled so loud I couldn't even hear what I was saying, but I do know that I was mostly yelling at myself instead of him. I was mad because I had let him hurt me and because even after everything he did I wasn't sure if I could picture a life without him.

"I was so miserable" he whispered "It was so frustrating seeing you on skype every day and not being able to touch you. I thought she was you for a moment I… I'm so so sorry" I've always hated seeing Eli cry and this time was no different. Those eyes were the same eyes that once said I love you, those eyes were the ones that kept me strong throughout the years and for some reason seeing them being filled with tears felt like a stab to the heart.

"Do you love her?"

"No" he responded quickly. I bet he thought that I would be relieved to hear it, but I wasn't.

I walked out of my small kitchen and sat on the couch in the living room, the same couch where Eli and I used to share tender moments back when things were simpler and I found myself wanting to go back. I covered my face with my hands and finally broke down. I cried and cried wanting to let all the emotions flow right out of my body, because maybe if I cried long enough it would drain the memories too. Time passed by and nothing had changed. Eli was still in the kitchen, watching me cry and I was still the same naïve little girl who once believed in love.

"I love you" he mumbled so quietly I don't know how I was able to hear it.

"You don't get to say that" I spat bitterly "You don't get to do this to me! You don't to cheat on me and apologize! You don't get to feel miserable after you slept with another girl! After everything that we've been through!" I yelled "You think you weren't the only one who was miserable? While you were away fucking some college skank I spent my days at home worrying that the cancer would come back and you'd be a million miles away, terrified of what would happen if I couldn't get into Colombia next year, watching all my friends with their stupid boyfriends while I missed you like crazy!"

He walked towards me and once he got closed enough I pushed his chest "Get away from me!" he tried again and I pushed him back even harder "I wish that you would've fallen for her" I wiped my tear stained cheeks and took a step back "I wish that you were in love with her so I could understand why you did what you did. I wish that you would've fallen for her so I wouldn't have to make a choice, it would be so much easier for me to just let go. But you didn't, you just screwed another girl and I will never understand why" I closed my eyes and thought about how much my dad had hurt my mom. How KC had broken my heart. How what felt to watch Jake make out with Alli. Eli was someone who I thought would hurt me, he was everything that all the other guys weren't, he made me believe in happy endings and all the fiction that came with it.

"I love you" I said "I love you and I think you should go. I can't even look at you and not see her, I pushed you and I felt disgusted knowing that she had touched you. I know that you love me, but I can't look at you. I don't want to look at you"

"Clare-"

"Get out of my house"

He looked down at the floor and nodded, before he walked out the door he took a last look at me and said "It wouldn't have been easier, and it wouldn't have been possible either because you are the love of my life. I made a huge mistake, and I will regret it for the rest of my life"

Before I could make the stupid decision to stop him, he left.

**A/N: So this didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted to, but overall I'm content with it. The next chapter will make our break our Eclare so if you want it… Review! Also, my friend and I are going to start a new story in the near future so keep your eye out for it, we have about three chapters written and I cant wait to share it with you :)**


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